Roller Coaster...

Well this weekend has been just that- a roller coaster of emotions. It all still feels like it must have been a dream, it couldn't have happened to us.

Friday morning I wake up to my alarm to get ready for work, I go to the bathroom and my pants felt wet, what the heck?! My first thought- did I pee my pants?? And that's when I see the wetness is tinged read, I sit on the toilet and a stream of blood comes out. I freak and start yelling for Nick, he runs in and knew instantly what was happening. We just sat in each other's arms and cried, couldn't even believe this was actually happening to us. We do everything right to make sure this baby was healthy, why would this be happening. I get up and check the bed, there was a blood spot the size of a CD right where I was laying, we knew there couldn't be a chance this could be saved.

I called the on call Dr since it was only 6:30 am at this point and she sent me to the ER. I called my parents and they came over to watch Hannah for us while we made that dreaded trip to the ER to see what we already knew was happening.

As we were checking in at registration the nurse that would be taking my vitals- was very visibly pregnant and of course I break down again. I know she felt so bad and just didn't have anything to say, because what can you say in this situation? Nothing would make it better. While waiting I give a urine sample, and I thought it was weird that no blood was coming out, but didn't give it much thought. I also thought it was weird that this whole time I have not been having any cramping, isn't that another big sign of what we thought was happening?

I give my sample, we get a bed, and wait around for while. The Dr comes in and explains everything that will happen that morning and then we wait some more. The waiting was the worst part, we didn't really know what to do with ourselves. The phlebotomist comes in to collect my blood. Then sometime later our nurse brings us to another room to wait for the ultrasound tech to get us. I told Nick that this was the first time that I was just NOT looking forward to an ultrasound and that made me so sad since ultrasounds during this time are supposed to be so much fun.

Finally the ultrasound tech brought us to another room and had me lay on the bed so he could do the abdominal US. As he's pushing the probe across my belly I ask him "Do you see anything?" and although I know the tech's are not allowed to say anything he turns the screen towards me and says "There's your little peanut". Wait, WHAT?! I thought, why on Earth would he even show me unless there was a glimmer of hope?! He turns the screen back to himself and continues his measurements, and I keep looking over at Nick for any sign of something good but he just kept shrugging his shoulders. Then the tech tells me to go to the bathroom and he will do the vaginal ultrasound after he finds a chaperon. As he leaves, Nick turns to me and says "I saw a heartbeat". OMG are you serious?? What does that mean? We were both more confused than ever.

I go to the bathroom- no blood, get undressed and wait for him to come back, along with him pregnant nurse, blah. Really could he not have found someone else? Anyway, ultrasound starts and he's getting measurements and then I hear nurse say "That's a heartbeat isn't it? Do you see it?" and Nick says "Yeah, I see that". The tech confirms in fact yes there is a heartbeat! I was to scared to move or ask to see so I just kept quiet and let him finish what he needed to do. But as I lay there I had hope that maybe there was still a chance.

Ultrasound is done and we go to the internal waiting room area and wait for what feels like 10 years before the Dr comes to get us. We were so confused, had no idea what was going on, should we be excited there was a heartbeat? Was the heartbeat even good? And finally the Dr brought us into a room to say that "You are still pregnant, there was a nice normal heartbeat, your lab levels all look good, your measuring at 7 weeks along (which I was almost 8 at that point so that made me worried), and we would consider this a threatened miscarriage". He told us to go home, rest and take it easy for 3 days, don't do anything really, and if you start bleeding to come back. He wasn't able to tell us either way if this would continue to be a viable pregnancy, he said it's good that I'm not bleeding or cramping at the moment but that doesn't mean it can't still happen. Also said to follow-up with my OB the following week.

To say the least we weren't very reassured. The numbers all looked great but all that blood that had been there that morning get popping in our heads. As soon as we get home I call the OB office to get my appointment scheduled, the nurse says she will call back after the Dr goes over all my ER information. The Dr said after looking at my numbers it all appeared to be a normal pregnancy. Really? The heartbeat was 146 bpm, which was good, my lab levels showed me to fall into the 6-8 weeks pregnant category, which I am so that's good. He also said since it all looked good I didn't even need to come in this week and I should just keep my normal appointment I had scheduled with Dr Cueto at the end of the month. Huh? This is all too much for my brain to process. This morning we left the hospital with a threatened miscarriage and now I have a normal pregnancy? The news from the OB was very reassuring, but I was still freaked out. I hate to go to the bathroom because I feel like things will change at any moment.

So I've just been taking it easy all weekend. I don't like the fact that I don't need to be seen until the end of the month. I just don't feel right and I can't relax. I get random twinges of pain, not even sure if it's something I need to worry about or not. But I called the on call Dr on Saturday and told him everything again and that I would feel better if I was seen this week so he said to go ahead and call Monday to schedule an appointment. I'm hoping I'll be able to get an ultrasound when I go in, I feel like I need to see that heartbeat and maybe it'll make me feel more relaxed about everything. I talked to our neighbor who is an L&D nurse and she said if I was miscarrying I would know it and that the bleeding was probably just a freak thing and I will go on to have a normal pregnancy. We've gotten so much reassurance from professionals but I still worry, and I just hope that at some point in this pregnancy I will be able to relax and enjoy everything. We are trying to look at this as a small hiccup in what will be a healthy pregnancy that will lead to a healthy baby. I feel like we were given another chance and it wasn't just taken away from us, we are so blessed and I pray it continues to go well. Any good thoughts sent our way are VERY appreciated. Now let's hope ths roller coaster evens out and starts to become fun again.

Since the cat's (pretty much) outa the bag

Well, since a lot of the people that we are closest too already know, I might as well share it with the blogger world. I'm not quite ready for all of the Internet world (ie: facebook) to know but those few people that read this blog- WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!

I love saying it, I love telling people, and I love feeling these pregnancy symptoms because it means I'm pregnant! I really didn't think it would happen so fast, and I've even questioned why are we so lucky that it happened already? There are so many people that try for years and never get to this point, but for some reason we are so blessed with this wonderful gift!

We found out last Sunday, after I finally got my amazing philly cheese steak sandwich I went up to our bathroom and peed on that wonderful stick! Nothing was showing up, and I didn't really expect it to because at that point I had only my IUD out for 31 days, so why I could pregnant already?? Well, wait about 10 minutes and the faintest line either of us had ever seen started to show up. I immediately started jumping up and down while Nick was still skeptical. I called Gina and sent her a picture of the results which she said clearly showed a positive, and John confirmed! :) Nick convinced me to take another test, which showed up even fainter, and that makes sense since I had just peed out all my HCG hormone. Anyways, as we are holding the tests up to the light trying to decipher if it's positive or not when Han comes walking in asking what we are doing. I had wanted to wait a little while to tell her because since it's so early something could happen, but it just seemed like the right moment to explain what those little sticks mommy and daddy were looking at meant... and this picture says it all:

She was thrilled to be expecting a brother or a sister sometime in the far away future :) We explained it would be a VERY long time but it looked pretty good to say a baby would be on its way!

Of course I couldn't keep the secret when I went to work the next day and everyone was so excited for me! It's going to be nice since my friend Serina at work is also pregnant and she's only a month ahead of me, it'll be fun going through this with someone right there at the same point as me! Well, Nick wasn't ready to tell people yet since the test was so faint, but come Tuesday night I brought home a digital test, (and I was so nervous to take it since it would clearly say yes or no and I was afraid I had imagined the other lines and it would say negative), but before dinner I take that test and within 3 minutes the most beautiful words I had ever seen appeared YES! Once we got that more concrete answer Nick couldn't wait to call his parents, convinced me I couldn't wait to see mine in person and I had to call my parents, and he texted his close friends to let them in on the great news!

I just still can't believe it's really happening, but here I am 5 weeks along today! It's still super early on, and I just pray that everything goes smoothly. I keep thinking my period will appear one of these days when I go to the bathroom but I get reassured when I realize I have all the classic symptoms I should of a pregnant person and Aunt Flow doesn't show up. I have a dr appointment with my PCP on Wednesday May 25th and at that point they will do a urine test to prove I'm pregnant and then refer me to my OBGYN of choice, Dr Cueto. I've never met him myself but I have heard wonderful things about him so I'm excited for my first visit, I just hope they don't make me wait to long for the first ultrasound because I need to be reassured everything is where it should be and the heart is beating strong and healthy!

I plan on using this same blog for my pregnancy and baby journal through this journey as well our usual family updates. I'll be tyring to update as often as possible, we'll see how well that actually pans out but here I go!

At 5 weeks: Baby went from size of a poppy seed to now an appleseed!

Symptoms: sore boobs (like horribly sore, like Hubby better not even look at them wrong or they will hurt), extremly exhausted, hungry, and if I don't eat as soon as I get hungry it turns to nausea, bad skin breakouts, and waking up super congested every morning (this happened with Han, not sure if it's normal but it must be for when I'm pregnant).

Weight: I started at 136lbs, I would have rather started out about 10 lbs lighter but who is EVER happy with their weight?! Last time I gained about 50lbs, so I'm shooting for gaining less weight this time! :)

Mood/Feelings: Since finding out I'm really pregnant I've tried to get my moody-ness in check! I've been elated with the news and seriously can't stop smiling! I did have 1 good cry already, something on Desperate Housewives made me start to cry and that just started the flood gates! I was crying and laughing at myself the whole time, and my hubby was cheering me on to get all the blubbering out and it felt good! I think there ahs been so many emotions going on I just needed a good cry to start this pregnancy off right!!

Update

Just wanted to let everyone know, I got my philly cheese steak and it was damn good!!!
So I'd say it was definitely worth being a crazy psycho over... yeah, definitely worth it!

I Am Moody

Well, this pic was supposed to be at the bottom but I hate blogger and it hates me so it put it at the top... but look at my sweet Princess and her new hair cut that she begged me for!! I wanted to keep her hair long forever but she had other plans, begging for a couple weeks to get those locks chopped off, and she looks adorable! How I love her so much!!!

Just ask my hubby, I am absolutely moody! Now this could be one of two things.... I am either about to get a visit from Aunt flow or I'm growing a teeny tiny baby and that is already making me a crazy person.

Now to be fair to myself, I am NEVER like this, but for the last week I just cannot help it. I haven't had a real period in about 2 years since I have had the IUD, but I would think I would still have "that time of the month" and all the emotions that go with it?? But I have not acted this crazy, like ever.

How "crazy" you ask?? Well, the other day I got pissed at Nick, and for very GOOD reason... he burnt my grilled cheese sandwich. Yup, can you believe the bastard forgot to flip it so it was nice and black on one side and then the griddle was too hot to make another right after, so I sulked... over a grilled cheese sandwich. What has become of me? Poor guy felt so bad and offered to make me another, or something else entirely, even offered to go get something, but I was having none of it. I sulked and kept saying "I ask you to do ONE thing!!!!" The next day I found it utterly hilarious, told everyone at work who also thought it was hilarious, and then apologized to the hubs via e-mail that day at work, and my wonderful husband responded with "I'm sorry too babe, I felt so bad for burning your grilled cheese." Really?? What husband responds so nicely to a crazy ass wife! And that is why I married the guy, he is seriously THE best!!

Then today, he wants to go buy a new office chair for work, reasonable enough. However, he wants to drive it ALL the way to work, TODAY! Even though he will be going there tomorrow morning, he wanted to do it today. It's 10:30 am, we aren't doing anything, it's raining outside and I had already told him that I just want to sit on the couch all day so he figured it wouldn't be a problem. Well, try telling that to me. I was seriously irritated and the real reason I'm irritated?? I want a philly cheese steak sandwich and I DO NOT want to wait an hour and half I would have to if he took his new chair all the way downtown to his office! Reasonable? I think not, but it makes sense to me. (Mind you, it is only 10:30 am and I'm already thinking I NEED that sandwich right about now!)

So, to conclude, if I am NOT pregnant there is absolutely NO excuse for this behavior but if I am- welcome to the journey, babe!! :) It can only get better from here... now WHERE is my philly cheese steak sandwich??? (And, no I haven't eaten one for like 5 years, but for some reason I MUST have one today!) Am I giving in to my not quite yet pregnant cravings already? Ugh I sure hope not...

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day!!

I am SO lucky that I get to celebrate Mother's Day because of this sweet girl, Hannah Grace! She has brought so much happiness, laughter, and wonderful times to my life I couldn't imagine it without her! I love that I see myself in her so often- usually when she is performing a dance, gymnastics routine, or singing a tune for us! I love that she is such a sweet and considerate little person. She loves everyone and wants people around her to be happy. I love that she has such a big, happy smile. I love she has such a BIG personality and just wants to share it with the world. I love her zest for life! I just LOVE this girl so much and hope other mom's out there feel just as lucky as I do!

Sometimes, life just isn't fair

This past week my grandma Sally passed away. It happened so suddenly no one had to time to really accept what was happening. Within a week of finding out she had lymphoma she passed away. I can only hope it was peaceful and the doctor's kept her comfortable.

It just really is not fair that this happened. Not fair that I have to now explain to my sweet 4 year old that we won't be able to see grammy anymore. Not fair that Hannah has to question "What if I got that kind of sick and doctor's couldn't fix me?" Just plain not fair that all the people that loved Sally so much won't be able to enjoy her company anymore.

The family is going to Montana this weekend to celebrate her life, me and my little family will be there in spirit and keep her memory alive. This weekend we will be spending our time together, enjoying eachother, and talking about all the things that make us happy when we think about Grammy.

Shhhhhhh It's a Secret!

"Walter, party of 3?" "Walter, party of 3??" YES, we are here!!! Have you missed us the last 2 months?! We have been super busy with work, painting the house and blah, blah, blah! Enough of the excuses, how's about we pretend like we haven't been MIA for 2 months and just start of with where we are now, mmmmkay? Sounds good!

Oh my precious girl! SO dang cute, just had to include this pic of her beautiful self!

As I was saying, house is pretty much done getting painted! Whoo, it's not to exciting since it's mostly just tan but exciting to me cause I was sick and tired and the plain 'ol white walls. I'll be adding curtains and maybe a piece of art here and there to add some color. All we have left to paint is the office, play room and baby room...

What's that you say? Baby room? Yeah that's supposed to be a big secret but don't ever tell me a secret because it won't stay that way for long.

We aren't pregnant yet but we are actively trying. Which means I am cornering the hubs at any chance I get and then have to hear from him that he is "not a machine"! :) Which I explain that yes, in fact you are a machine! ha Totally joking... sort of... How I love my man!

Anyways, it started about a year ago, the discussion of baby number 2. For quite some time we were both in agreement that we loved our family of 3 and would want to keep it that way until I wanted to throw a wrench in our little agreement! :) I have always wanted more children but raisin' kids ain't easy and I wasn't so sure I actually wanted to try for another, until Hannah started growing up and I realized how AMAZING this whole experience is and how in the heck could we NEVER do this again?! So, we began the "discussion" and came to the conclusion after LOTS of conversation that after I was set in my new job and had been working for about 6 months we would start trying.

Well, it has been 6 months since I've been an MA with Sutter and here we are begining the journey of trying for another bambino! As I said earlier, we had decided we were going to keep this on the down low and not tell anyone... well let's move forward a full entire year of waiting and thinking about a baby and I CANNOT KEEP MY DAMN MOUTH SHUT!!! I am seriously just too excited about this time in our lives and I want to shout it from the rooftops, not that there is anything to shout quite yet but even just starting to try gets me all fired up! I've only had my IUD out for 2 weeks and this could quite possibly be a long journey but seeing as how I was pregnant with Hannah within 2 weeks of stopping birth control it will hopefully not be too long a journey! Although actually trying for the baby and being "suprised" by a baby makes the whole process different, I'm sure!

So as much as I wanted to keep quiet and not say anything until there is actual news to share I wanted to document the whole process since I didn't do that with Hannah and plus it's not like too many people actually read this blog so it's more of a journal for me anyways! :) Stay tuned... here's to hoping I: 1. post more than once every 2 months and 2. have VERY fun news soon!